There are a lot of things I’ve missed from the before-times: seeing loved ones, the lack of maskne, a Zoom-free work existence. Yet as the world begins to cautiously, or in Florida’s case, rambunctiously, opens its doors, it seems like the things you haven’t missed an iota are the ones that are reemerging the quickest and with the most vigor.

I’m looking at you, creepy dudes.

Photo by Sagar Vasnani on Unsplash

Apparently, they did not spend the pandemic brushing up on feminist theory or watching I May Destroy You. If anything, personal boundaries have been lost in the quagmire of post-shutdown etiquette.

If I had…

An ape rests on a rock, adrift in a boundless sea. The creature does not know how it got to be on this rock, only that one day he opens the two spheres he decides to call eyes and it is there and so is he. Besides, questions like “why” did not occur to him. Not yet. All the ape cares about is “who,” that who being himself.

The ape is mediocre by universal standards: two feet, two hands, two dangling bits near his legs he finds immeasurable joy in fumbling with. He has a large head and a thick…

Oh, great. You’re here. That’s just what we needed. The C3P0 of embarrassing anecdotes, here to lead us on a stroll through my Hall of Fame. I thought I saw an Eeyore-sized storm cloud of pee drops coming this way.

So, what will you regale us with this time? That day in middle school when I was experimenting with thongs and white parachute pants and did not understand how to use tampon applicators correctly? Or will you be sharing a Powerpoint presentation of all the times I replied “you too” after a server told me to enjoy a meal?


Lanterns in the garden of a temple in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

Have you ever Bumbled abroad? It’s an interesting experiment I dabbled in while traveling around Thailand at the beginning of 2020, before the world shutdown and meeting up with strangers didn’t fill you with suspicion and the uncontrollable compulsion to wash your hands.

My goal wasn’t to find a romantic (or sexual) connection but to see what the dating pool was like outside of the very small and very dismal pond of Washington, DC. In that, I was successful. The people I saw were hot and seemed worldly — at the very least, we had traveled in common, right? But…

I hate mustaches. I really, really hate them.

That might seem like a strange word choice, but I stand by the usage.

I have a physical reaction every time I see them, like when you get sick after eating a certain food and can’t stand the sight of it anymore. If I was given the ability to change one thing in the cultural zeitgeist, I would seriously consider doing away with the entire concept. I would make them a thing of the past, an embarrassing style choice of our ancestors who were less evolved and more prone to silly mistakes…

Lizzie White

Do you ever wonder if humanity is just some adolescent alien’s botched science experiment? Same, dude, same.

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